On May 3, my family and I were at a friend's baby party, and Jacob was loving Disney's "UP" balloon theme. It was such a fun and creative party filled with tons of balloon themed decorations. At one point, there was a magician, and Jacob sat in front with all of the other kids. The magician asked for volunteers, and I was shocked to see Jacob excitedly raise his hand to go up on stage. He ran up to the front, and participated in a muscle flexing contest - keep in mind, he's 4! The winner was chosen by an applause-meter, and since we didn't know many people there, he didn't get a lot of cheers. I had mixed emotions of pride (that he went up all by himself) and distress (since he didn't get a lot of applause). Luckily, when he ran up to me after the contest, he didn't seem to notice the silent audience. Rather, he was extremely excited that he danced and flexed his muscles on stage. Ah, a child's innocence.
It's one thing to feel nervous for something I am doing, but I did not like the feeling of watching my child participate because I had absolutely no control of the outcome. It is going to be extremely difficult to be in the audience, watching Jacob participate in sports, contests, and performances. Ugh. It's a hard feeling to describe - it feels like there are 50 balls of foil scrunched up and bouncing around in my heart creating small nicks and scratches. Anxiety. Not fun.
Since a few months have passed, I have had the opportunity to reflect on that part of the night. I realized my main goal as a mom after that night: I hope to celebrate with Jacob when he's happy and cheer him up when he's sad, and even though I won't be there for everything, I will do my best to be there for him when I can so that he will have positive memories of his childhood.
Love you, Jacob.
Love you, Jacob.
To Be Continued: The Up Themed Party Part 2: Josh's Ankle...